Kitten from Heaven

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Sometime ago I decided it was time for another kitty.  I dreamt that my father, who has passed came to me with two kittens as an offering. It was one of those dreams that felt like a visit, like I had actually spent time with my Dad.  One of my childhood memories was him taking me to pick out a kitten, the sign “free kittens” was on the side of the road and I had spied it earlier when out on errands with my Mom.  My Dad was not a cat person, although he loved animals, we had a pony, chickens and dogs to boot.  That evening he drove me in his VW bug to the place where the sign was, I picked out a beautiful calico female, I don’t remember her name, I think I was in the first or second grade. So, when my Dad visited me recently with an offering of kittens I thought perhaps he was arranging something….

I went to several shelters, filled out applications even agreed to take a stray, but everything fell thru.  This past week I gave up, but for some reason though I left the cat carrier in the car. Tuesday afternoon I got a text that there was a kitten in desperate need of a home, she was found roaming around by some kind-hearted people who couldn’t keep her, and the shelter was full. She needed placement that very night, so I agreed to take her sight unseen.  It was just a feeling I had, she was meant for me.  Just so I was sure SPIRIT sent me two signs, first the lady who contacted me is named Celeste- which means, heavenly! The second sign was she lived off Hyannis St. I grew up on Cape Cod and Hyannis is one of the well-known towns.

Misty Lou is a doll, loves people, is playful and purrs. Abby our dog is so excited to have a new friend and she is slowly warming to her. No one seems to know where she came from, but I do. Thanks Dad!

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Stories we tell ourselves

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How we define who we are is often generated by our past experiences. In hospice we often encourage people to share their stories, their “life review”.  Humans love stories, oral tradition has been alive since the experience of conversation.  Storytellers are found in all cultures, people who would express the experience of their culture.  The Bible is full of stories, allegories, to teach us, to help us better understand the human condition, our place and our connection with Spirit.

So often when people who are dying tell me their stories, these are most often the stories of LOVE, moments in their lives that made their life meaningful, deep.  The true essence of who they are and will forever be.  The focus on LOVE is essential to finding PEACE in our hearts.  FORGIVENESS is a path to PEACE.

So, throughout my day, I find sometimes I tell myself stories that are not based in LOVE.  I tell myself stories of being wronged, past hurts, unforgiveable slights, painful moments.  When I do this, I give power back to those moments, I infuse them with my energy, draining myself.  If I focus on stories of LOVE, moments that brought me JOY, I am fed, my soul is full.

Personally, the little voice in my head often likes to conjure up the trials and tribulations that I have endured.  The little voice in my head gravitates towards the past that causes me to relive the pain. I now tell the little voice, if you were a friend, a physical friend, I would not want to spend time with you as you my little friend are a downer.  This sometimes quiets that little voice.  A mute button would also be helpful.

We all have moments of challenges, painful memories, that’s life.  Here is where the stories we tell ourselves are so important.  Moving through and beyond painful things is essential for our own well-being.  The past cannot be changed, only how we relate to it can.  Giving energy to a situation that already hurt us, rekindling the fire of pain is pointless.  It changes nothing and sucks the JOY from our day.  Here is where FORGIVENESS arrives, it is something to practice, like the scales in piano lessons, it gives us a foundation to write a new song, a new and lovely melody that fills us with GRATITUDE.  It is a gift to ourselves, it is worth unwrapping.  FORGIVENESS is not forgetting, it is releasing the energy that we associate with the story, it is saying, yes this happened, but I no longer focus on it, I no longer feed its effect on me, I release it from my heart to make room for things that enrich my HEART and SOUL.  FORGIVENESS is a form of self-care, self-love. Yes, we are worthy, and loveable. When we LOVE ourselves, and care for ourselves, the world responds in kind.  Truly FORGIVENESS is the path to PEACE.

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Glimpses of Eternity

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I’m reading a book by Raymond Moody “Glimpses of Eternity” (lifeafterlife.com). It is his research about people who have share deathbed visions/experiences. These people are not the dying but the loved ones who are engaged with the dying person.  This was new information for me. I have been at bedside when a patient has taken their last breath and never experienced any of these things, perhaps it has to do with the emotional bonds, I don’t know.  In any case, it is a wonderful book about the mysteries of dying.  It got me to thinking about how often we wish to know what comes next, the search and longing for answers.  I have had glimpses into Eternity by other means, lucid dreams, synchronicities, signs and symbols etc.

I realized when reading this book that part of the Magic of Life is the longing for the Mysteries to unfold.  Often people who have had NDE or near-death experiences state they cannot fully explain the experience because our human mind cannot comprehend the experience and we simply don’t have the verbiage to explain it.  “The Peace Beyond All Understanding” comes to mind, that the answers to our questions are so complex that in our human form we are too limited to truly understand.

I love the fact that there will always be more to learn, to explore.  That what we believe now and has been proven by science or experience can change and transform as our understanding unfolds.  How boring our lives would be if we knew everything, if the Mystery and the Magic disappeared.  I am grateful for all the experiences of Spirit that I have glimpsed. Life can be unimaginably challenging and painful at times, our heart shattered into a million pieces of Light.  The Light may scatter for a brief moment, but it always finds its way back.  It reforms a stronger more tender heart, once broken you will never feel the same as you are transformed deeper into the Mystery of Life and the Afterlife. Growth and Expansion of our Soul is the side effect of Life, it is why we came here.  There is Divine purpose to all of this, even if we can only get a glimpse.

 

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the Awakening of Love

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I should be amazed, but instead as I see the CROW once again as I pull up to my patient’s house, I just smile. The CROW has become my helper in my world of hospice.  I know when he arrives he has come to bear witness to the passing of one of my patients. He is busily at the neighbor’s birdfeeder, much too small to support him he tips one way and then the other. Again, he is silent. We exchange a glance, I say ‘hello’ and know this is the last time I will be here.

This lady was beyond strong willed, her body let go days ago but her spirit was not ready to take flight.  Her beautiful and attentive daughter stood vigil waiting and wondering when she would take that last leap of FAITH.  She was waiting, waiting for her son who she needed to say goodbye to. Waiting for her son who had resisted coming to the bedside because they had had many unhealed issues. Finally, after much coaxing he came, no words from her as she was too far into the transition, no words but an exchange of LOVE and HEALING happened anyway.  She needed to feel his presence, to feel the underlying LOVE that was shrouded by years of misunderstandings.  One last exchange of LOVE between a mother and her son set her free.

Families can be complicated for certain, and the dynamics often become more intense when death is at the door.  Grief is the B-side of deep LOVE, not the favorite song, not the one we want to hear, but it is there none the less, because in our world of duality there is always a flip-side.  Clearing out the issues before someone passes, giving ourselves the gift of forgiveness helps in that we can process Grief without regret.  Truly LOVE is all that matters, it is who we are and where we return to.  Life is the dream of LOVE and Death is the awakening back to LOVE.

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Coffee and Tears

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Processing world events through coffee and tears this morning.  Two high profile suicides have brought a myriad of emotions to surface in the faces around me and in the mirror.  It is a human frailty that I have touched upon before and in fact have written a novel about, suicide has touched my life before this week, as I imagine it has touched many of you.  It causes me deep sadness, on many levels, as often it was a solo act done in despair wrapped in an imagined eternal darkness.  I do not know to what place one goes prior to this act, I can only believe it is a place beyond understanding, it is the desire to release oneself of all consuming pain.  Those who have survived attempts often say “I just wanted to get away from the pain…”

BUT Suicide spreads the pain, we all feel it, it reminds us of our own fragile moments, when the dark night of the soul enveloped us and tried to convince us there was nothing more.  It spreads the sadness that we somehow failed each other, failed to recognize the need of another.  If nothing else we are here, together, on the wondrous Earth, in all its beauty and chaos.  We are here together for a reason; no man is an island.

There is never too much kindness or compassion in this world, and a simple act of either can change a person’s perspective of their darkness. A smile, an acknowledgement of acceptance, a hug, can build a bridge between despair and hope.  We are together for a reason.  If nothing else, to help each other in our journey back to the Light.  The Darkness is never total, The Darkness never wins, even after Suicide there is only Healing, and the return of Hope and Love in the Light.

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Divine Hugs

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My Great Aunt passed away this week.  At first, I had a sense of sadness, but it quickly turned into an intense joy.  She was a good friend to my mother and as a young child I spent a lot of time listening to their chatter over coffee. She was the best hugger ever, the kind where you feel the LOVE rushing through your body.  My Aunt was one of those people who almost always had a smile if not on her lips in her eyes, I think it was there to mask the unfathomable pain of losing two of her four children.  Jannie died at 6 from cancer.  It was at a time when little was known about this type of cancer, now it is curable.  My cousin is most probably the reason I became a hospice nurse, as a little child I wandered her house looking for that magic portal that transported her away.  My Aunt adopted a native American girl sometime later, Jen.  She was exotic in my young eyes, copper skin, jet black hair and deep brown eyes.  She brought joy back into their household, a tall order for sure.  Jen passed away a few years ago from drug addiction, it was something she battled with her entire adult life.  The sorrow resurfaced.  I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, or children.  The human heart is both resilient but tender, it breaks and reforms, but this, this is a lot to ask of one heart.  So, when I heard my Aunt had passed I knew she was having the most long-awaited reunion with her girls.  I knew in my heart she was greeted by them, that the reunion was a healing of all that had been lost and now was found, her girls safe in her arms in the land of Divine Love.

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Advice from Spirit

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I periodically go for energy healings with a wonderfully gifted woman, Anysia Marcel Kiel (http://www.anysiakiel.com/). I believe if I keep my energy healthy that my mind and body will follow.  During these “tune-ups” as I have come to call them -Spirit sometimes visits with advice.

Before becoming a hospice nurse, I became the mother to three boys. Being a Mom is a blessing and being a Mom of three boys is a special blessing onto itself.  When they were younger I thought the challenges were huge, as they blossomed into adulthood it became evident that the challenges would continue as my role changed into one of friend as well as mentor, guide, and matriarch.  It has been a bumpy transition, but one always fueled by love.

My Spiritual visitors had some advice- from the two Mothers-first and foremost I must love and care for myself before I can love and care for others.  It seems simple enough, but often when you are a mother you put everyone else needs before your own, giving the best to the ones you love.  Cold meals, quick showers and sleep deprived nights are often a theme in the younger years.  So I ponder what I can do for myself to recharge and continue the balance of responsibility of my life. Early morning coffee, listening to the day open up and writing are a start….

Then the two boys of friends who passed came forward with more advice-one said-“have the hard conversations, the ones that need to be spoken between adult moms/sons.”  The other spoke of addiction and how every day is a struggle, he wanted me to know.  He also had a message for his Mom- he wanted her to know he loves her and misses her as much as she misses him, and he hears her talking to him…. the bond of love is never broken between mother and child, it sometimes just changes form.

Motherhood has given my life purpose. My children have been my anchors in life.  I feel the blessings the Divine has gifted me and remember that I am also a child of God who needs mothering and selflove to enable me to give.

As we celebrate Mother’s Day let us be the kind of mother and friend to ourselves we are to others.

 

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