When Fairies Fly

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A friend died this week.  I hadn’t seen her in a long while, which is the case with most of my friends, we all have busy, busy lives. This friend I spent time with as our kids were growing up and I have fond memories of taking massage class together, Tia chi in the park, losing half the baked ziti out of the back of her husband’s pick-up truck on our way to the beach club picnic.  Both of us looking at the asphalt with the same thought, “well maybe, just maybe we could save some of it?” then bursting into fits of giggles and driving away.

She had a huge compassionate heart, she knew life was messy, she just kept going. One of the kindest things she did for me was after the attack in Oklahoma City I had called her and was crying, “Those poor people, those poor babies! We need to do something, what can we do?” I wanted to do a neighborhood gathering of donations, she had bigger aspirations and called me back within an hour.  She had gotten us a table at the town’s Earth Day celebration, radio time, even the mayor showed up, taking credit for her idea. We collected goods and monies and then these were taken to a drop off center.  I remember the organizer in awe saying we had made the single biggest monetary donation yet.  This was just one example of her impact. She was a pebble with many ripples.

Like all of us she had her challenges, but her heart was kind.  She loved fairies.  I found a necklace with a beautiful blue crystal. She was going through a major life crisis.  She called me not soon afterwards distraught saying the crystal had come loose and fell to the floor breaking in half. There was no way to repair it, but the fairy was intact.  I told her the crystal left because she had been healed and she didn’t need it anymore.  She loved the necklace and wore it for the next 22 years.

She gave me friendship, a sacred gift. Now she is flying home with the fairies.

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Slow Dance

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Signs from spirit are lovely, yesterday when leaving for work a vibrant red cardinal swooped past me singing his song. Throughout my work day I saw the same four numbers that are specific to one of my loved ones in spirit. He often makes his presence known to me providing me with comfort as I move forward in this complex and often chaotic human form. My connection with Spirit and the Divine are my coping mechanism, it buoys me up through darkness offering me a “lifeline” to the Light. People often comment about how calm I am, but that is only because they cannot see the inner workings.  They believe I am so strong for all I have endured and the work I have chosen to do.  I am as flawed and broken as the next person.  My heart is broken often, in my line of work this is an occupational hazard, but I also know each time I am broken open and heal I am able to hold more love and light within my heart. But I am not without doubt, recently seeing that I am not the Sprite I use to be I wondered how much longer I could do hospice nursing, it can be physically demanding. I was in need of a backup plan… I often call out to Spirit for help… because I have learnt if you don’t ask you don’t receive…

Last night I had the sweetest dream…standing outside in the grass people were milling around and then I saw my beloved one standing off to the side.  He was healthy, handsome and so beautiful in my eyes. He smiled at me and began to sing…

“Wish I knew what was going on, seems so very long since we laughed together…”

His voice was wrapped in shades of blue…. I walked over and placed my head on his chest, I could feel the vibration of his song… He gently wrapped his arms around me, and we slow danced. I told him how much I love him when he sings to me…. I sing with him….

Later I am sitting in an all-white room sorting thru boxes.  I am perplexed because I need to find a job I can do and fulfill my obligation to the son I am raising…I pick a box and look into it.  My beloved one is standing next to me along with a woman also in spirit.  He says… “You are a writer, use your imagination.” It is the perfect answer to my question. His love and advice are pure.  He can see what I cannot. He sends me love from beyond because the bonds of love are never broken, ever.

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Ground Control

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Falling asleep after a particularly challenging day at work my mind swirls around my hospice patients and the day’s events…I wonder if there is more I could have done to alleviate the suffering…it is not physical or emotional suffering that I see, these I can address on some level, it is spiritual pain.  This is a very personal pain, there are no drugs for this type of pain.

I drift into the land of dreams and find myself in an old house. There are numerous guitars lying around, I go on the hunt to find one I want to play.  Out of nowhere David Bowie appears, this seems almost natural to the course of the dream. Since the age of 8 when I went to my first concert I have been in love with the guitar, never able to master much past a few basic chords, I am sure my impatience has something to do it. David Bowie picks out a guitar for me, and then proceeds to give me a lesson, it is a Bach piece. I watch as his fingers display the correct pattern and yet I refuse the lesson stating it isn’t the right way. I want more, I want the sound of music I always hear, not this linear elementary offering.  He smiles at me and states “This is the way we begin…”

He then walks to the front of the building which is now a guitar shop, picks one that he fancies and plays a lovely ballad I have never heard in this life, and yet I know he has written it.  The owners are floored, they can’t believe David Bowie is in their store, isn’t he dead? I smile at their astonishment, perhaps he is no longer physical, but he is surely alive in the land of spirit and here in my dream.

Upon waking I remember bits and pieces trying to figure out why David Bowie would walk into my dream, as surely, he had. I am a radio fan and admired him for his graceful exit from this world.  So, I lie in bed thinking what was the message? And it instantly occurs to me: I didn’t like the way the lesson was taught- I wanted to hear something else more complex and beautiful, denying the beauty of the simplicity of the music I was given. The simple but difficult lesson that I couldn’t even master- and I wanted to fast forward to the harder more complex ones….in the world of spirit lessons are stepping stones up the vast sea of vibration, you cannot skip ahead.

So, the lesson translates to my world of hospice: My patient who is dying is my age, she has had 10 years to prepare for her transition, I have had 6 weeks. I struggle to watch her learn the last few lessons she has chosen before leaving this world, I want to make everything okay even though she is dying, I cannot.  My lessons are simple, Trust the Divine and Be Present.  Her lesson is to Trust the Divine and to Let Go.  In my head I can hear David Bowie singing, “Ground control to Major Tom,” it is a song about letting go…. Clearly, I am ground control and she is Major Tom,

“Ground Control to Major Tom
Commencing countdown,
Engines on
Check ignition
And may God’s love be with you”

I believe he came into my dream to let me know everything is as it should be, even when someone appears to be suffering it is only part of the journey back to Home, where ultimately and eternally we are safe and whole. God’s LOVE is always with us, we live and die (return) in the heart of God. God’s Love is always with us because we are always One.

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Bella

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Bella a golden retriever who was neglected in her earlier life was adopted and restored to her natural beauty by one of my hospice patients.  The bond between dog and human is palpable when you walk in the room.  I have a particular love for Goldens as I was fortunate enough to share 14 years of my life with my Ruby and now again 12 years with my doodle dog, Abby.  Dogs are amazing creatures, loving us when we cannot love ourselves, ever faithful in their love.  In fact, this morning I started my day with a wet kiss to my nose, is there any other way to greet the dawn?

Bella is sad sometimes, she knows the situation, the decline of her beloved Human, the suffering, the pain and emotional struggles, she bears witness to all.  Last week when I saw her, she raised her head in anticipation of my visit with her Human, our visits are more like old friends rediscovering each other. There is a soul recognition, we have done this before, in other forms, in other lifetimes, the three of us. Once again, we are in a place of great learning and love, trying to tease out the lessons of life before life itself ebbs away and whisks us all back to the world of spirit.  Bella knows this, her deep dark eyes shine with kindness.  I sit on the floor with her, I stroke her golden fur, her back legs ache with age, I offer her reiki, silently.  I speak to her in my mind, I know she is waiting, waiting for her Human to pass, wanting to walk that path with her so they can both exit this world together, their hearts are intertwined, their lesson is unconditional love, Bella exudes it, she is present, ever able and ready whenever her Human needs her, she is the guardian of her Human’s heart.

In rescuing Bella her Human rescued herself.

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Divine Kindness

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Imagine if an unwanted guest showed up on your front door step and refused to leave, changing the very fabric of your life and your loved ones.  Imagine this guest could not be controlled despite your best efforts and this guest could be silent for periods of time and then crash into your day demanding your attention immediately, unexpectedly, threatening your safety and well-being and leaving in its wake confusion, exhaustion, possibly injury or death.  This is life with uncontrolled epilepsy.   1 in 26 people suffer from this illness, and it can manifest in many forms.

10 years ago, this guest arrived in my youngest sons’ life a byproduct of viral meningitis and encephalitis.  Standing outside his pediatric intensive care room I asked God if he was going to take my son, the doctors seemed to think so.  I heard a deep and clear voice that spoke “No, this is just something he has to go through.”  I was relieved and grateful and hopeful and very, very naïve.

Recently we applied for SSD for him, because at some point in time I will no longer be able to be his primary caregiver.  There needs to be a backup plan for him. In doing so we collected some of the medical records from the past 10 years, it was heart breaking to review them, to relive somethings that were best left in the past as we move forward each day in hope and optimism that his life is better, he heals and finds peace in a body he cannot control.

I know in so many ways we are lucky, I know people whose loved ones have died, or they are 100% dependent, so I am grateful that we are where we are.  Epilepsy changed my son’s life, my life, my family’s life.

So ultimately the reason I share this is not to garner pity, no.  I am a hospice nurse by trade and a mother of a disabled child by karma.  I share this because it is good to remember that everyone has challenges, visible and invisible that colors their world. Everyone has an unwanted guest in their life that challenges the fabric of their character, forcing them to grow and make choices, often hard ones. When I look at other people’s lives, I try to remember this and open my heart through kindness because I only know my own story, I cannot not know theirs.  But I can offer love, and non-judgement and a hug, because no matter the challenges we are here together now and it is a Divine thing to care for each other with kindness, always.

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Losing Mary

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Before I start my work day, I ask for Divine help, especially when I am walking into a situation that is unfamiliar to me. I often call on the Archangels and the Blessed Mother for protection and guidance. Last weekend I lost my Miraculous Medal of the Blessed Mother.  As I walked from my car my lariat got caught on my jacket and as I tugged it free, the little silver medal fell onto the sidewalk into the mud.  As I scooped it up, I got the sense I was supposed to leave it there for someone else, Mary with arms stretched out looking loving up at me, but I just couldn’t leave her there. She has come to symbolize many aspects in my life, she in my mind is the ultimate mother having raised a true child of God and watched as he fulfilled his promise back to God.  The mother’s heart is one that feels joy beyond measure and suffers as deeply when her child suffers.  I turn to her for guidance as I continue to be a part of my adult sons lives.  Being a mother never ends…. So, I picked her up and put her hurriedly into my pocket and went on with my hospice day.

At my visit the friend of the patient called me “Mary”, and then apologized when I corrected him.  His name is Michael- as in the Archangel I pray to daily for protection and guidance. I registered in my mind something was happening here, I’ve been called many variations of my given name but never- “Mary”.

Later I had to order some equipment for my patient, usually I email the company but today I felt compelled to call and speak with someone.  “Hello, this is Mary- may I help you?” I laughed to myself…the spirits were up to something.  “Hi, this is Phyllis….” The voice on the other end then says, “Oh that’s my mom’s name!”.  More connections, more confirmation that our prayers are heard.

 

Along with my professional experience, I rely on my intuition to solve hospice challenges. It is through my intuition that Spirit speaks. I resolved as many of the challenges I could making sure the patient was safe and comfortable and then I left. When I got back into my car, I could not find my medal, she simply was not where I had put her.  I finally understood that she was need somewhere else in this form, someone else would find her and this would bring them comfort and confirmation that their prayers were heard. I probably will never know that story, but that’s okay.  I carry Mary and the Archangels in my heart, I don’t need tangibles anymore.  But Mary knew someone else did and I became her Divine messenger.

In this season of Love and Peace, the challenges of life still exist.  I think we shift our focus onto the miracle of birth and how one person can change the world. We are that person, we are all children of God.  We are all sparks of stardust.  By just being the miracle God has made us we change our world.

I wish you all Peace, and Love and Miracles.

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Sharing Clouds II

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Yesterday I sat by the bed of my dementia patient who was actively dying.  He was the one I shared a lucid moment of watching the clouds only a few short weeks ago.  His breathe was unnaturally even like a machine in a holding pattern.  I called his wife and told her I thought it was only a matter of hours.  She had had a bad night, cancer treatment left her sleeping on the bathroom floor and now the love of her life was flying off to the next world.  I put her on speaker phone and she talked to him, telling him she loved him.  She wasn’t sure if she could make it in, she would let me know.  I told her that I would sit with him until our Chaplin came and he would not be alone. In the bustle of a long-term care facility it is difficult for the staff to sit and hold hands, although his nurse was ever attentive with his comfort medications.

As I sat there, I played his favorite music, spoke to him with gentle encouraging words, sent him reiki energy, everything I could think of to make his passing a little easier.  It is harder for dementia patients to pass, there is a spiritual disconnect, their minds are confused, and so I prayed he would find a lucid moment in his passing.  When the Chaplin came to relieve me, I said my goodbye. I had to continue on with my day as my other patients also needed my care.

A few hours later I was driving down the main road and I saw a man on a bike, peddling against traffic.  He had shaggy hair and a moustache, resembling my dying patient.  I wasn’t quite sure it he was real or just a vision as my phone rang.  It was the Chaplin; my patient had just passed -five minutes after his wife got to his bedside.  He had waited for her, he had needed her and she him.

Love, between the hearts and the worlds, love is our final destination.

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